I have a bond with her unlike any other. Her birth ushered me into a new season of the heart. Leaving behind past brokenness, insecurities, and the need to control and fix everything wrong in the world…for a new season of surrender, overwhelming peace, deep restoration, and remarkable joy. I guess that is the shortest way to describe my journey this past year. I have learned so much, and yet feel more aware than ever of how little I really know.
Little moments fall on my heart with surprising impact. Truthfully, I’m very tender most of the time. Colors are bright. Smells are fresh. The littlest things pluck my heartstrings and bring tears to my eyes. My senses are alive with wonder of God’s heart for His children…His heart for me.
I lay with the little one on my bed, cuddling her to sleep. She is part of me in a way I can’t explain. Different than the others in the way she regards me. I have taken more care, found more patience, invested more of myself in the moments I have with her day and night, only to find us more tightly knit together. It took me some years to embrace the more tender parts of motherhood…nuances I missed the first few times I had a babe-in-arms. I run my fingers through her hair, over her eyebrows and cheekbones and chin with a slight tickle. I play with her fingers and she just soaks it all up. There is no move to wave me off. She has no desire to be anywhere else than where she is, and neither do I.
She lays still, looking into my face. Content, happy, and secure. I think about how I have found that place with Jesus after years of thrashing and pushing away and frightfully searching for what fulfills, what preserves, what upholds…without realizing I would not be able to find it unless I drew close, grew still, and looked straight in His eyes for my strength and comfort. Something I didn’t honestly know how to do until Mia Grace, His Grace, came to me.
I didn’t even know how much her name would mean to me until it was already her name. Mia Grace, My Grace. But it does mean so much. I am weak, but He energizes me with grace and power that is not my own. And I am truly sustained. Filled. Lacking nothing I need, and actually, nothing I want either. For those that know my voracious hunger for life, you might recognize how great a statement this is. God is good and faithful. Always. Even through the valley. The shadows. The heartaches and trials. His grace is sufficient and His purposes are established in us and often in spite of us. He does work all things, especially the hard things, together for good for those who love Him. (Rom. 8:28)
“My grace is sufficient for you, and My power is perfected in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:9